The Dirty "H" Word

You might be thinking that I've gone off the deep end, because there is no swear word that starts with 'H'. Well this is one of those blog posts where sh*t gets real. The 'H' word I'm talking about is homesicknesses. I use to think of being homesick as being such a dirty word. I didn't want to think about it, I most certainly didn't want to feel it and if I did feel it, I never wanted to admit it.

It's hard to adjust to the idea that you can't just drive a few hours to see the ones you love. It's a weird feeling to be on a different continent than almost everyone you've ever known. When I lived in Madrid, there were times I missed home. But I never felt like I was 'homesick'. I had always felt as thought it was a bad thing. I use to think that if I admitted that I was homesick or felt lonely that would mean that I was not having fun.

As my mentor so eloquently put it (shout out to you Phoebe), there is an immense pressure to feel like you are having a good time ALL the time, especially since you feel like it's been long enough now that you should feel settled already. But it is OKAY to not feel settled. And that's how I've feeling. Unsettled. I miss the convenience of living with my parents, the feeling of 'ease' because it's my home, and most of all I miss feeling safe with them. I miss the luxury of having my best friends down the road, just a 5 minute drive away. Because when you move to a new place, with no family around, it feels like no one is obligated to love you. I know people on the island care about me and that they would help me in a heartbeat (that's just how they are). But there is nothing like the obligation of love that your family, and your friends that are like family offer you.

I am having fun. I am enjoying the island, or as I would say in Spanish "Estoy disfrutándola", but I have still felt an ache in my heart. Sometimes, especially lately, it has been enough to make me cry. It felt like things were just piling up, one after the other. From the stress of finding an apartment, moving (again, for the third time), being sick (who doesn't want their mom and dad when they're sick??), navigating documentation, and continuing to learn my away around the city I was spent. I felt like I had nothing left to give. I felt so alone. I also felt like I couldn't share this with anyone, once again, because I felt such a pressure to show everyone that I was having a great time (because I am living my dream after all).

I was, and I am, far from alone. From my friends and family in America who are just a phone call, a snapchat, a text away. To my many friends that are spread across Europe, who continue to check in with me. Other Fulbrighters that are all over Spain, who have become some of my closest friends and confidants in the world (because they get it). And most importantly, to all my friends, co-teachers, students/parents, Fulbrighters, Fulbright mentor and so many other people in the Canary Islands who have cared about me during my time here. Without all of them (you) I would be nothing, and nowhere. So thank you to everyone for supporting to me, listen to me complain, rant, cry, and most importantly offering me love and support. Thanks for holding me down during the best, craziest, and most intense adventure of my life. I am beginning to feel more at adjusted and at home, and I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.

Hasta Luego Everyone!!

Also PS: If you would like to send me anything or be penpals, here is my information below:

I have gotten myself a PO Box here in Spain. The address is: 

Hannah Turk
Apartado de correos nº 3
38080 Santa Cruz de Tenerife 
España

Tips for mailing to Spain:
-use flat rate envelopes, not boxes
-on the customs form, state that the items contained are “used goods of non commercial value” and do not have a value of more than $40
-try not to send food (if you do send it in a separate envelope just the food items together) 

These tips help limit the possibility of the package getting caught in customs (I have never had this happen but better safe than sorry)